The Desert Song

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

Spiritual Pride

I was absolutely surprised at what I learned from the book - Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis today. Of all the traps and deceits that the devil uses upon men, one of which is called the "Spiritual Pride".

"It is an unobtrusive little vice which she (*the believer) shares with nearly everyone who have grown up in an intelligent circle united by a clearly defined belief; and it consists in a quite untroubled assumption that the outsiders (*the non-believers) who do not share this belief are really too stupid and ridiculous."

This is how the devil devices the deceit.

"He (*the believer) must be made to feel (he'd better not put it into words) "how different we Christians are"; and by "we Christians" he must really, but unknowingly, mean "my set"; and by "my set" he must mean not "The people who, in their charity and humility, have accepted me", but "The people with whom I associate by right"."

Lets be aware of what dwells in our mind and ask God's Holy light to shine the deepest motive and thought of ours that do not glorify Him at all. 

Better is a day in Your court

As usual, the piling of school work seems to be never-ending, and yet I persevere to stick close to my Savior.

I felt refreshed when I woke up this morning, it's a wonderful start of a day. God's mercy is new everyday! I did my quiet time with my roomie when we were having breakfast together, then we had a good time sharing with each other our walk with God. She told me about her burden for her friends who do not yet know God and I was amazed by how God placed the urge for evangelism in the heart of this new born baby in Christ. She is indeed a sweet blessing from God :)

Seow Wei sheep, God will guide u every single step that u take with Him faithfully!
Michelle sheep, lets acknowledge God in our hearts even as we're working with our hands and planning with our heads!
Reuben bro, God knows full well what He's doing and He is in full control of it all, indeed!
Wilson CL aka Mr. Matt 6:33, encouraged by your perseverance in The Lord Jesus Christ!
Pey Chyi roomie, grow grow grow closer to God each day!
Wilson Yeo, nothing in this world can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom 8:38-39)!
Qianru shepherd, thank for loving me for who I am, thanks for your faithfulness in leading and guiding me along the way!

God, thank You for all these wonderful people in my life and the list is definitely not exhaustive and I can go on and on and on.

I am a sinner saved by grace.

1 Cor 1:26-31

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord"

1Cor 1:26-31

P/s: Thanks dear, for the encouragement! :)

对懦弱坦白

看看我，忙得连打理这部落格的时间都没有。我的手提电脑才刚安装了中文之星，现在的我兴致勃勃地想复习我的中文！
在这里的生活真的忙得不可开交，需吸收和学习的有时还真多得让我透不过气，忙里偷闲的时间少之又少。
上星期放假回家的感觉真幸福，还真怀念那种被家人保护和疼惜的感觉。
我不是一个大人物，不是无时无刻都可以很坚强，更错过不了犯错的经验；可是我时时刻刻提醒自己，神与我同在。
我曾相信尝试过后的失败是光荣的，因为至少我不当逃避的鸵鸟。
在这个大城市，每个人都充满着竞争力，仿佛有股力量让他们不歇不息的往前冲，那或许是金钱的魔力。受过无数次失败的我渐渐失去了成功的信心，渐渐的淡忘了那曾经是佼佼者的我。往往有的时候，我懦弱的选择不亢声，试图忽视，甚至逃避。我曾经拥有那对达到设定目标的自信心被无数的失败慢慢的腐蚀了。
我不懂这还能撑多久，或许多两年，或许。。。

我需要突破。

I praise God I am bearing that name

What can be worse than being seen as a fool?
Yes. I am a fool.
Spending my time, mind, heart and all serving God and I really feel like a fool, more often than not.
And Paul thinks so, too.

1Cor 4:1013
(To the church in Corinth he said) We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless.
We work hard with our hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we persecuted, we endure it; when we slandered, we answered kindly. Up to this moment we have become scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

Assurance for the fools bearing Christ's name.
1Pet 4:12-16
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trail you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you ma be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer of thief or any other kind of criminal, or even meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

v19 - So then. those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-30

Do I belong here? After all these while...

What is causing this feeling that has been haunting me? I feel that no one understands me. 

In fact, it has occurred numerous times after I came over to Singapore, I feel.. out of place. 

It is definitely not that the family in Christ here isn't loving enough, instead, they take me as someone dear to them. But this feeling just keep coming back to me and make me step back, and think, do I really belong here? 

Cruel but concise. 

I am confused. Could it be that I am deceiving myself and the world when I am acting like a clown, being someone down-to-earth, sociable and bubbly? Could it be that the real personality in me is the anti-social, loner or even an extreme phlegmatic? 

I need someone who know me well enough and honest enough to tell me that this is normal.. simply because I am away from home. 

The message GOD has put in my heart

Last night, after attending friends' convocation, 3 graduates and I went for supper. They did reflection upon what had they done during their years in the university.

One of them shared that she wished she could have done more for God and His people. She felt it's pity that she didn't run the race consistently and with discipline and this had, in turn, short-changed the people under her care at that time. 

Another expressed that, in her years of growth as a university student, the pride in her had been a stumbling block for her to go even further for God and His kingdom. 

I thought...

One that day, I want to graduate with a big satisfied exhale, telling God, "Thank You for seeing me through these years! I've finished this stage of my life and I'm ready to move on!"

As I was reflecting through my first year in university, there had been times when I was stubborn and short-sighted, held on to what I thought was my life-time security, forgetting the fact that God knew and had what's best for me. I regretted after I was reminded of who God really was. It is as illustrated by C. S. Lewis.

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."

God, forgive me for I have been ignorant. 

God then put this vision in my heart. 

On the beach, there's this child who is building the sand castle. Not a while after he has finished building it, the wave comes and blows away the sand castle. Upset. He builds up another one after much effort. Not long after, the wave comes and sweeps away the whole sand castle again. Frustrated. The child keeps building the sand castle over and over again after they fall apart, swept by the wave that keeps coming back. Finally, the child is fatigued and he gives up. 

Indeed, we have all been like the child before, building up the sand castle of our career paths, impression on others, facade that covers our true weak self. God keeps sending wave to sweep them all away over and over again, reminding us that all these have no eternal significance. But like the child, we are dissatisfied, feeling insecure and frustrated, keep ignoring God and shut him out in building our own dear sand castles with effort that is labored in vain. God keeps reminding me that He has something better for me, a holiday on the sea when I'm playing with muds, something that has eternal significance and last forever. 

I am refreshed by what He has spoken to me. 

Hope it speaks to you, too :)

Seeing GOD as my Father..

You know, there's this side of me which my parents can never stand when I manifest - W.H.I.N.E. =P

I whine when I want something from them.

I whine when things don't go my way.

I whine, most importantly, to get their attention! 

I remember mummy saying, "Can't you stop whining?? Will you only stop when things are done for you?!" 

HAHAHA. EXACTLY! I will stop when things are done for me! =P

I'm not sure about you, but I really do not mind trying this out on my Father in Heaven! Sounds childish, but well, God has called me His child and there's no point of turning back! 

What a great discovery I have today as I read the book by Cindy Jacobs "The Supernatural Life", in fact, whining to God is biblical! LOL!

Let me direct you to the book of Luke,

Luke 18:1-8

1 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary' ". 4 "For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' " 6 And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

There you go, even God desires us to whine to him! =D

I've always been desiring to hear from God through words of wisdom, knowledge and prophecy. I have always been desiring to develop my spiritual gifts, the gifts of the Holy Spirit, that's the reason why I read Cindy Jacobs' book, too. 

Acts 2:17-21

'In the last days, God says, 

I will pour out my Spirit on all people.

Your sons and and daughters will prophesy,

your old men will dream dreams.

Even on my servants, both men and women,

I will pour out my Spirit in those days,

and they will prophesy.

I will show wonders in the heaven above

and signs on the earth below,

blood and fire and billows of smoke.

The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood

before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord.

And everyone who calls

on the name of the Lord will be saved.'

It is biblical to ask for this gift and I will continue to pray and not give up!

Encourage you, too! Be persevering and fervent in prayer, whine until God can't take it, and He will then bless you from Heaven above! ;D

God loves you, friend

I do not know if I have ever broken anyone's heart this way, but I consciously realize that I'm getting more familiar with this hurtful feeling.

I took the same way back to the place.. hoping to meet an old friend. While I was driving, the route, which I used to take nearly every single day, summoned images of the times which I used to spend with the friend. 

I used to ring him every Sunday morning to make sure he's up from his bed.

He used to pick me up early on Sunday mornings for church service.

I was at the top of his wanna-reach-out-to list.

I remember him expressing his deepest hurt in front of me with tears. 

He is the one I never fail to mention when I share my life testimony.

I really wished I could be with him when he lost the man he loved the most on earth.

I know the tragedy was the turning point of his life.

In helplessness, I cried and grieved over what happened after.

I believe so as God who loves him the most. 

Dear friend, 

do not turn away from Him,

He who loves you so so much. 

What the world offers is temporal,

the love He has for you never changes.

I'm really happy to see you tonight. I have so many things to say but I swallowed it all nonetheless. I want to know your heart, I want to know what I can do for you.. 

I want you to know that I love you, friend..

and God loves you so so much more!

 

Exactly 7 days more to leave Kuching. 

How I wish to stay longer under parents care and pamper. 

I love making them laugh. Seeing them happy is my greatest joy.

I thank God for my family. 

I start to tear when I think of the day I have to leave Kuching. 

I know I have a life to live there, I know there is still a long way to go. 

Deep down in my heart, I know all this will fade away..

I want my parents to know God, because salvation comes from no one else but Jesus. 

One more week, God. One more week..

My testimony

Many might not have known, my faith was put under test by God for the past few days. God was determined in knowing how much I really know Him. 

"God knows what's best for you"

Sounds familiar? We have all said it at least once to console others.

How much are we convinced?

"God has a wonderful plan for me"

Jer 29:11. A verse we can all quote without much hesitation.

Who is maneuvering your life? Search it deep down within your heart.

"Give thanks in all circumstances"

How to give thanks when heart is overwhelmed with bitterness, mind is occupied with what-should-I-do, eyes are filled with tears?

It was the time of the year, when business students in NTU will be informed of the specialization they are going to take in the second year. Some were not worried at all, they knew exactly what they wanted to do and they were confident in getting in with their excellent results. But, I was not one of those.

I was almost certain I wanted Actuarial Science. I did not know there was a part of me which doubted if it's really what I wanted until I desperately asked myself why I wanted to be offered this specialization so badly, when I wrote the appeal letter. 

It was the 16th, midnight. I anxiously renewed, over and over again, the page which I could find the result of the specialization allocation. Lawrence, my course mate, told me I could find it at the "degree audit" page, but actual result would be released tentatively at 10am. I opened the "degree audit" page at once after reading his message. 

I read "Specialization: Human Resource Consulting (HRC)". My heart sank. It was not quite like what I expected. Now, what should I do? 

Unbelieving, I forced myself to sleep with a feeling that the actual result would be different. It was not that actual one.

I woke up early in the morning and waited for the clock to strike 10am. Time never passed slower than then. I renewed the page but the result never changed. My heart really sank. Images of me happily telling others "I WANT TO DO ACTUARIAL SCIENCE!" came to my mind. Now this is what I get. That's it. That's it..

I felt lost. I did not know what to do. I told God, "God, You know this is not what I want, You know this is too much for me to bear. No God, this is not what I want"

I felt worse than L-O-S-T could express. I did not know what God had for me, I did not know what He had planned for me, or rather, I did not want to know but to LET HIM KNOW I want what I want! 

After much effort, I found the mail which explained the appeal process. The mail which rekindled hope. With much prayer and help from seniors and friends, I wrote in an appeal letter and prayed and prayed before clicking on "SEND". 

In the late evening, I received the reply. A mail which did not state explicitly a YES or NO, I read the first line and jumped to the last, hoping to see a YES.

"Arghh, why write so much? Just tell me YES or NO!"

To my disappointment, the meaning behind the entire mail was "YOU ARE HOPELESS".

God knew He had broke my heart to pieces and the pieces were trampled countless times on the ground. 

Great. That's REALLY it! That's reallyyyyy it! 

No one knew the excruciating pain of the heart whenever I thought about it, the rejection, my failure. 

I was a straight As student in high school, I was a scholar in college. 

The same me, who was rejected for not doing well enough to get in to Actuarial Science. 

R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D.

I asked God how could I give thanks. I asked God what He had for me. I asked God what did Jer 29:11 mean, was He joking? I asked God what should I do with 1The 5:16-18 - Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.. Listen, God, I am not insane.

When all the bitterness flooded my heart, I remembered of one scene I saw in the movie, Narnia. The scene when the kids' last resort was to have the little girl to look for Azlan for rescue. They all knew Azlan was dead, but the little girl somehow believed that Azlan would never leave them alone in danger. With the faith was not sensible at all, she went out to look for Azlan. 

Miraculously, Azlan was found alive and rescue was brought to the people at the sound of His roar. 

With a childlike faith, I, too, could see God. God will send His rescue at the very last minute, at His timing. 

I referred back to the verses. 

Jer 29:11 - God has a plan for you, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you. 

God, I claim it.

1The 5:16-18 - Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances..

God, I give thanks for I know You are still in control.

Heb 10:23 - Lets hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

YES AND AMEN!

God reminded me so so vividly that HE IS STILL IN CONTROL. 

I let go of my stubbornness, I surrendered, I wanted to seek and see God. 

It was really painful and heart-breaking, but God said HE IS IN CONTROL. 

I remembered how Jesus prayed to God when He was so troubled before going to the cross.

Matt 26:39 - If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me..

YET NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL. 

I surrendered and committed my future to God. I've decided to call the principal manager to plead for her reconsideration in taking me in, but I let go of the attitude of this-is-what-I-want, I told God, "Not as I will, but as You will.."

The principal manager was firm with her decision and I could understand that. She then offered me an option of taking HRC for the first sem while taking Actuarial Science elective(s) and if I'm able to do well for the elective(s) and jack up my GPA, she would arrange an interview for me with Prof Bala, Actuarial Science major head. 

Boy, I think this is far better than getting in to Actuarial Science. One, I am really not sure if AcS is really what I want to do for life. Two, I really do not mind, and would like to, try out HRC! 

If I could do well for the AcS elective and find that it's really what I love and by God's grace, I want to go to AcS in the second sem. If I try AcS elective and find that it's really not what I want, I could carry on with HRC. 

I do not know what future brings, I just want to do God's will.

Deep down in my heart, I thanked God. Countless times. 

He knows what I want for myself better than I do. 

I thought....

God seems to have never ending blessing to pour out to me.

God knows me better than I do.

God is good.

I am unworthy of His love and grace. 

I PRAISE GOD! :)

Reflection

Another reflection I did. 

Greg, I couldn't agree with you more when you commented that I talked more than I listened, I wanted to speak so much more than I was willing to listen. I was grateful for your honesty in pointing out this weakness of mine. I hope I've changed and grown as I grow in God.

It has been more than 2 weeks I'm back here in Kuching. The continual meeting with God's people for cg, prayer meeting, sunday service and fellowship still go on. And for the days I was with the people, it leads me to reflection of the attitude of the people around me. The attitude of demanding attention by keep blurting words and listen nothing from the other party, be it during sessions when others are seeking for advice, sharing burden/problem or mere catching up. 

I was, all of the sudden, feeling shameful for how rude I was. How I heard, but not listened to others. How I came to conclusion of what others shared or said so quickly without asking for clarification and further explanation. I was guilty of not being a friend who truly listens.  

I truly thank God for qianru, who has taught me the politeness of listening, really listen and empathize. It is really one thing that I need to learn, as I grow and mature. Thank God for qimin whom God has used to teach me on this. I thank God for this patient brother. Ji Ting, too, is angel sent by God in my cg to help me to grow and learn to be a gentle listener. 

It is so hurtful when your friend does not actually listen to what you intend to say. Indeed. I've learned and grow from there. God, help them too.

Thank You, Jesus, for being patient with me :)

When the waistline hikes...

No other reason other than the inferiority and insecurity due to the extra weight that is gained over the months. 

Mummy's right - Nice figure does not speak everything about a person, but it does do a part in building one's confidence.

Had been keeping silent over the dinner. Reflected upon the overwhelming inferiority that undeniably stripped away the confidence I have in myself at times. 

What does God say about this? 

God knows I ain't someone who is diligent in doing exercise. Hah, funny. And the extra fat is what I get in return! 

I think I can grow my faith through this struggle, you know? Have anyone on earth trusted God in losing weight? F-A-I-T-H!? 

Yeaps. I gonna trust God in losing weight! 

God, it's either You work in decreasing the weighing machine reading the next time I stand on it OR You work in changing my perspective on this struggle I've been facing. 

Look forward to Your hands at work! ;P

Focus on your giant, you fall. Focus on God, your giant tumble!

Glad I'm back home! Constantly thank God for the time that I can spend with my family, dearest family :)

Just watched "Facing the giants". Heard about this movie from WanLin and Johnson and the rest who watched it during cg, it was a fantastic movie they said. 

Indeed, it is more than inspiring. It draws me back to my faith in putting in my trust whole-heartedly on what is eternal and unchanging. 

"We praise God when we win, we praise God when we lose", the football coach Grant Taylor helps the team to put their focus back on God. 

"I think that football is just one of the tools we use to honor God" says the coach.

"And you think God does care about football?" asks one of the football team players.

"I think he cares about your faith. He cares about where your heart is. If you live your faith on football then yes He cares about football because He cares about you" replies the coach.

I never see Jesus as my God who would care about HK series and Korean drama. But hey, if I live my faith on HK series and Korean drama, then yes, God cares about all these! What a fact about God that I never see from this point of view before! 

I'm reading a book written by Philip Yancey - The Jesus I never knew. It really opens my eyes and mind in seeing Jesus the way I had never tried before. I am in awe, when I read the book and after I watched the movie, of how God can use the people in testifying of His awesomeness in these ways. I feel all the more unworthy of God's grace for not doing God justice in failing to praise Him for this side of His, His awesomeness. 

I am encouraged in seeing the bros and sis back here who have grown. I am overjoyed in spending time with them praising and learning from each other about God. This holiday will not be wasted, I will spend it to honor God! 

I am still finding time to meet up with Wilson for catch up. God, You hear my many cries!

I am looking forward in blessing the bros and sis in college group more. God, empower me!

I want to bring my sis to know God in a deeper level. God, touch her heart!

I want to help mummy to know more about God. God, grant me the wisdom and courage!

I want to overcome laziness and discipline myself in seeking God everyday. God, I want to!

I want to learn more about prophecy and discover my spiritual gifts. God, speak to me! 

I want to be...

... ambitious in God.

... dependent on God.

... real serious with God. 

Because I want to be used by God! 

"I heard about a story of 2 farmers who desperately need the rain and both have been praying for God to bring the rain but only one who has prepared his field to receive it. Which one do u think trusts God in sending the rain?

Which one are you?

God will send the rain when He's ready. You have got to prepare your field to receive it."

-Facing the giants- 

Random

Mere boredom.

I'm suppose to be packing as I'll be moving out of the room on thurs. But... I do not feel like to... 

Just bought a new mp3 player - 4gb Champagne-colored Zen stone plus with build-in speakers. Sweet. It's small, it's cute, it's cool and I'm lovin' it! :)

Enjoy this time - being alone, listening to songs, chatting and blogging. 

How I wish I could spend this time w family. Just being at their side, even though it would bore me to death. But I just wanna be with them. GOING BACK NEXT TUES! Wooohooooo *RANDOM*

ahhhh Entertain me, would anyone? 

My days without my mac

I'm bored.

Not having anything to do and just sitting in hostel comp lab viewing photos of friends' in facebook, keeping myself updated with how old friends have been doing. It's one of the things I do to kill time OR when I miss my friends.

Speaking about part time job, THANK GOD, I found one! It does not pay VERY well but I'm grateful God's provision because it saves me from boredom and I'M PAID! :)

My macbook hard disk crashed the day before yesterday. According to the technician, one of the probable causes might be due to my carelessness in carrying the laptop around before shutting it off. I knew it. My fault. Thank God it crashed before the warranty is expired, otherwise the replacement of new hard disk would cost me $505! The down side of the thing is that all the data in my laptop WILL BE GONE. I asked about the possibility in retrieving the data, LISTEN UP - "It costs 4 figures :) " according to the technician
*FAINT*

Just went to China Town for another round of KTV session. I just loveeee singing! :)

I'm taking health supplement for this one month and for the first 2 days of intestine cleansing, I was not suppose to take in any solid food except for the omega-3, bee pollen, aloe vera drink and the nutrition powder. Applaud me for I had sustained through the temptation. I hope I can lose weight! :)

Life here without school and my laptop is likeee.... playing a song without having a speaker. Aha, nice metaphore :P *SELF-ENTERTAINING*
Boredom is the word I can use to describe. 2 greatest inventions in the world, my own world, are LAPTOP and HANDPHONE. Boy, I REALLYYYY cannot live without both handphone and laptop at once.

I cant wait for the uni camp at St John's island. I cant wait to go back home. I cant wait to get back my macbook.

Macbook... I MISS YOUUUUU! :(

God, I can't sleep..

I was so tired just now that I slept at 9.30am and now I am, at 1am, wake up and can't get back to sleep because it's really too hot.

It's at times like this that I wish I could get a room with air con.

Feel so lonely after I finished my drama at bout 5pm something.. 

After exam I felt so lost that I didn't know what to do when I get back to room.

So I start watching this HK series.

After finishing the 40 episodes of HK series.

I am back to the lost self, not knowing what to do.

Everyone has gone back to home and hometown. 

I am left alone in hostel.

I miss home. I miss mummy. At times like this, who understands? 

I need conviction of my stay here. Have I forgotten my initial conviction? 

God, I need conviction!

It's holiday. 

I feel that I've plumped up after the stretching exam period so I've decided to join the sisters to go jogging tml morning Y^_^ and I shall persevere on in getting rid of all the fats (hopefully..)

I've been watching a HK drama series - Heart of Greed. Interesting story line. Intriguing. You do not know what happen next if u do not continue watching. And it gets me hooked up :)

Toastmasters Club AGM is this coming thursday. Asked myself if I should go for any post. It does not need much evaluation to conclude in my heart that I think... I have not done much ever since I got the post of being a VPPR. Not regret, rather guilt haunts me. I doubt if I could contribute to the club. I am stressed up whenever the president ask me to get something done. I do not know many things and I'm unfamiliar with most.. I know I should humble myself to learn. Perhaps the president, or should I say the rest of the exco, have such a high expectation on me. Or maybe, maybe my over-boost self-confidence brings such consequence. I do not know. I feel like escaping - as in just give in and opt to stay as a normal member. Would that hurt my resume? Probably. 

I'm spending mummy's money each day I stay here in Singapore after the exam. Sometimes I feel it's such a silly decision to go back for just 1 month during this 3 months holiday. In fact, I struggled before making up my mind on this. Probably I'm just bored. When NUS students finish their exam and the programming team comes alive again, I shall be busy with planning, meetups and stuff. I believe God sees my intention in staying and that I truly want to experience how serving in tertiary is like, how serving out of inconvenience is like. And I truly believe God will honor this heart.

I need a job. A part time job. An ad hoc job. Project-based and I, honestly, do not mind the pay. It's better off than wasting time sitting in room watching drama. I'm too lazy to edit my resume and send in. My bad. Laziness gets a foothold on me again. 

I'm worried about my specialization next academic year. My intention in coming to NTU, Singapore is to take actuarial science. What if.. what if.. I do not get in? Anxiety overwhelms when I come to think of it. Jer29:11 - God has a plan for me! It comforts me. I need to use the sword of the spirit in tackling the negative emotions arise from doubting God, His promises and His ability!

Went to sing K with OB group with the absence of Jake. Love ya lots Elson, Kae Yun and Wan Lin. It was really a great time venting out all our eagerness in wanting to show off our singing talent. Laughter which can never be replayed. It is kept in my memory, my heart. I breathed a prayer of thanksgiving for u all :)

You know what guys, I really love my blog. hmm.. let me paraphrase - I really love blogging. Because I can just blurt out everything that suffocates me here and now. Alrighty, since I'm so free.. I'll blog more recently k! :) But hopefully I will not be so free for long. I wish to get a job! Reallyyyy...

Lastly, wish to continue to stay faithful in seeking God throughout this holiday. Do not want to miss God out totally from this whole holiday plan and semester break. Quiet time which should not be missed out each day, conversation with God which should comes from within every moment. Lord, I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME IN THIS HOLIDAY! 

Oh ya, listened to the song 5 loaves and 2 fishes by Corinne May last night. It was really a ministering song. It talks about God made use of the 5 loaves and 2 fishes in working miracles, He can definitely use our desire, ambition, strength, weakness and fears in working out something great according to His plan. My heart was touched. I thanked God for who He is. 

Psalm 8:3-4

When I consider your heavens,

the work of you fingers, the moon and the stars,

which you have set in place,

what is man that you are mindful of him, 

the son of man that you care for him?

God, who am I that I am worthy of all this? It is all by Your grace :)

A pure heart

A pure heart, that's what I long for 

A heart that follows hard after Thee

A pure heart, that's what I long for 

A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides Your word 

So that sin will not come in

A heart that's undivided

But one You rule and reign

A heart that beats compassion

that pleases You my Lord

Sweet aroma of worship 

that rises to Your throne

Angels in my life!

I know exam is near and I'm suppose to seize every minute reading and revising but u know what? Blogging is also part of my life... :)

Just had 2 presentations continuously and today, this very day, marks the end of my VERY FIRST academic year in NTU, Singapore.. (still got exam larhhHH)

I do not know how to describe my feeling which jumbles up. Just talked to wanlin when we were having lunch that my heart is really heavy because it's the end of the semester and during the beginning of academic year after the holiday, all my classmates are going for different specialization, choosing what they want to pursue in lives respectively. 

No more laughter in class telling stupid jokes, teasing one another..

No more working together cracking heads to come out with ideas to differentiate our presentations and gain a little more points. 

No more bringing junk food to class to stuff in mouth to avoid falling asleep while listening to the somehow doesn't-interest-us-much lecture. 

Throughout the entire year in NTU, I've never felt friends are as important to me as now.. when we've come to a divergence and finally.. have to move on to separate paths.. My heart is really heavy.. 

Dedication to friends who are dear to me,

Yiting, u're such an adorable girl. One with passion in going into marketing specialization, never perform below average in marketing presentations. You're such a sincere and sweet girl who captivates people's hearts from what u have within. 

Elson, u're such a funny guy. One who always hope people will perceive him as happy-go-lucky but I know that he's not most of the time. Thanks for your willingness in opening up and cherishing us as your trust-worthy friends. Really really appreciate u a lot. 

Kae Yun, u're such a sincere girl. A friend who never hesitate in telling me the truth and correct me when I'm wrong. Your sincerity has really touched my heart a lot and working with u and the rest as a team is really one of the best memories I have in my first year in uni. 

Shijing, I might not know u very well but I think u're a very sweet girl.. far from the first impression I had on u as someone who is hard to approach and unfriendly. You're outspoken and sensitive at the same time, makes people feel comfortable being around with u.

Jiahui, a girl who always have her smile on.. really hope i have more time spend with you.

Jasmine and Minghui, best friends who always stick together. Thanks for your patience while working with me in a team. You guys are few of the cutest person I've ever met!

Jake, a gentleman. Always busy. Opinionated and can be fun at times. Appreciate u lots.

Zhong Hua, IT expert. Smart and knowledgeable. Double degree student who never get out of business. Working with u was great and u've improved tremendously in your speaking skill compare to the one u did for the very first time. Really glad for your improvement! 

Liu Can, ahhh maths expert! Helped me a lot on my statistic and one whom I will never forget.. teasing me by requesting me to ask more challenging stats questions.. Wana express my gratitude from the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU! You're indeed a great friend! 

I still have a lot of friends whom I want to thank.. Ermin, Lawrence, Silvy, Samantha, Yu Fei (my roomie!), Yen Ling (Kae Yun's best friend), Van, Jessica......................................

LOVE YOU GUYS LOTS!

Waitt..

How can I end this without mentioning this friend who have made such a great impact in my life in uni??

WANLIN!!!

U're really God-sent! U encouraged me when I'm discourage. U motivated me when I am demotivated. U brightened up my day when I'm upset. U point me to God when I lose hope. U listened to me when I need someone to grumble to. U were there with me when I am stressed. 

How can I ever express my gratitude? How can I ever say how much I really appreciate u! I thanked God endless time for u, dear!

ok, I have to take a leave to dry my tears.. 

The Riot

The other side of the "truth"

Sincere hypocrites

Exam is drawing and time is running short. 

I am doing this BY FAITH!

To flung this exam is the last thing I would want to do on earth. It determines my future pathway. uh huh, sounds serious? Absolutely.

Last night, my friend threw us a question by putting us in a situation which a train is coming to a divergence and my brother is on the railway on the right and 5 kids are playing innocently on the left. 

Which way will u alter the train's direction to? Sacrificing your brother to save the 5 kids? Or sacrificing the 5 kids for your kin? The brother who carries your gene OR the kids in the number of FIVE!

Regardless of your decision, let me tell you what I think..

Read from OB textbook about this interesting fact that ran through my mind when my friend posted this question. It's exactly what I wanted to convey but at that point of time, I thought it was too abstract for me to put the thought into words...

Here's what I read...

Before discussing workplace values in more details, we need to distinguish between espoused values and enacted values. 

Espoused values represent the values that we say we use and, in many cases, think we use. Corporate leaders might say they value environmentalism, creativity, and politeness, whether or not they really do value these things in practice. Values are socially desirable, so people create a positive public image by claiming to believe in values that others expect them to embrace...

Enacted values, on the other hand, represent the values we actually rely on to guide our decisions and actions. These values-in-use are apparent by watching people in action. Just as we judge an individual's personality by behavioral tendencies, so too do we judge enacted values by behavioral tendencies. 

We often fall into this trap of "claiming to believe in values that others expect us to embrace" simply BECAUSE they are "socially desirable" 

Save my brother or the 5 kids? 

*At once, without hesitation* 

OF COURSE THE 5 KIDS LAH! F.I.V.E K.I.D.S eh! My brother only ONE mahhh.. 

Eh, u will sacrifice the 5 kids mehhhhhhh???????????

Wahhh.. so noble! 

You sureeeee??

The fact is, none of us is certain.. 

okok, u might be right if u try to debut on my previous line. 

The truth is... I AM NOT SURE! 

so I do not see the point of answering this question. Period. 

Let God be God

It is often hard to obey God while holding dearly to the things of the world. 

God tests when we express our will in wanting to trust in Him but deep within our hearts, we sometimes fall back on our very definition of security. 

Dear God,

This girl has been in deep agony, not knowing how to give it all up to You. Forgive her when she doesn't trust in You with all her heart. Remind her of Your unfailing love by all means and ways. Draw her back to You when she drowns into the deceit of the world. You know best she is not at all better off without You. Her heart longs to trust in you fully. Bring to an end the struggle within her heart. 

God, take control.

God, take control.

 

 

Heavenly afternoon

After a dreadful week with 3 presentations and due of an assignment... heavenly.

Spend time with myself watching the rain... heavenly.

Listen to Tanya's songs, singing along... heavenly.

I am the happiest girl in the whole wide world at this moment. 

Thank God. 

Here in my life

I have never walked on water

felt the waves beneath my feet but

at Your word Lord, I'll receive Your

faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me

In that very same place

All my failing surely would've drowned me

But You made a way

You are my freedom

Jesus, You're the reason

I'm kneeling again at Your throne

Where would I be without You

Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens 

Sing for joy at one who finds

The way to freedom, truth of Jesus

Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me

through the eyes of Your grace

and though the cost was Your beloved for me

Still you made a way!

Water baptism is a declaration of faith, outward expression of inward experience. Just like how a husband is not ashamed of her wife, desires to hold a wedding banquet, invite all his friends and relatives to let them know that he loves his wife so much and that he wishes to spend the rest of his life with her. The exchange of rings, saying I-do in church before pastors, friends, relatives and God are acts of devotion. Similarly, God's followers are commanded to be water baptized. It is not what the pastors want us to do, neither is it the will of the church, but it is the will of God. Jesus himself was baptized in Jordan river by John the baptist. Water baptism is not an option, it is an obligation out of obedience. 

It's such a significant day for the 100 people in Hope Singapore who are going to be baptized, dying in a watery grave and be reborn with new life in Jesus. It reminded me of my initiative in requesting my shepherd in Kuching for water baptism ceremony after I realized the importance of it and obeyed out of reverent fear of The Lord. I AM GLAD I OBEYED! I guess so as God :)

Sandy, Qimin, Engseng, Corinna and Huimin, God is well-pleased with your obedience! 

The "Johns" of the aftnoon were Claramae, Xingni and Wenjiang. 

Before going into the water, they prophesied on the believers with words God had spoken to them. It would be the word of life, verse to be QT-ed with for your entire life.. man.. :)

It was drizzling. Ps Jeff, with his sense of humor, said, "As typical busy Singaporeans, we can just baptize the people along the way..." =.=

>>> Sandy 

 >>> Corinna, a sweet sister. Her baptism name is Dara, which means compassion and wisdom, areas she wished to grow in.

>>> Hui Min, a sister whom I just knew :)

>>> Last but not least, the brother from our cg, qimin! 

In God we're new creation, lets shine forth as His child as salt and light! 

Praise God! :) :) :)

BREAK FREE!

Brenda never has holiday.

She is overloaded with work work work work work work work multiply infinity.

Brenda is tired. 

When will I have break?

I'm really not in a mood to prepare for my speech competition on thurs. THURS EH! It's already tues, hello!

Whatever...

Planner filled with appointments which I wish I could escape... AhhhHHHHHH....

Thanks, wanlin for the encouragement after a hundred and one times of me complaining about my stress to u. 

BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE BREAK FREE

I WANT TO BREAK FREE!

If only I can leave whatever that bothers me to the next day.. Do whatever I think I want to do right now.. Would people say that it's an irresponsible act? 

Countless nights which I cried myself to sleep.. coz I missed my home.. coz I had so much things to do and yet so little time.. coz I felt I am incapable.. coz I needed someone to be here physically to listen to me.. coz I sometimes hid my sadness behind a smile.. coz I repented for my short-sightedness not seeing God in the big picture.. coz I did not trust God enough to bring me through all this.. coz I wish to hug my mummy...

What I want the world to know!

Recess week is coming soon!!!

So as mid term exam...

I will not be able to meet mummy in KL due to her busy schedule which doesn't allow her to stay for another 2 more days there (mummy manages the shop herself.. she's just TOO responsible). Disappointed.

I love the song - Teardrops on my guitar by Taylor Swift. One of my fav country songs :)

I should stop drinking coffee because it causes me headache after that. I have the habit of getting a (large) cup of coffee before going to the library, simply because I THINK it would keep me awake. Addiction? Nah, more to a habit :P

I'm having too many things to do... Sometimes really stress me out. Woohoo, need to go near to God so that He would lift up my burden! ;)

Friends, do u know there's Someone who loves u unconditionally? Someone who plans your life, knows every single thought u have and every single word u wanna say even before it comes out of your mouth. His name is Jesus. 

He's the God worshipped by His children all over the world and amazingly, He said in the bible, He knows me, He knows my name and I am formed in His image. I am in awe of my God's love for me. His name is Jesus.

He longs for u to cry out to Him so that He can give u peace, peace that the world cannot offer and fill your life with overflowing love and joy. His name is Jesus. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matt 11:28-30

He is the God who transforms my life and helps me to understand the meaning of life. Not an obligation, but if u're willing, experience Him and u will testify the same. His name is Jesus.

Random

I am especially touched when a friend trusts me, even before I explain myself.

I think this is the best thing a friend could do for me. Trust me even when everyone else does not. A nod of understanding never fails to warm my heart when I am lost of words, anxiously and helplessly trying to explain myself.

I never forget the times I poured out all I had to strive for king scout. On the last night of the expedition, everyone else was fatigue and wanted to give up on climbing Mount Matang, which was the last task given to us. The rest agreed with letting only the guys go so that they could reach the mountain top faster and take a pic as evidence of the task accomplished and that we would not miss the last bus back to town. 

Despite the lethargy, I disagreed with the idea and insisted in following the guys to complete the last task, because I did not want to have regrets, regrets of giving up and cheat after I'd gone so far. 

No one was on my side. Others persuaded me. I knew what they meant and their rationale, but deep down in my heart I persisted. 

I didn't know what to do because no one understood. I withdrew myself and cried.

Feeling sober, I went back to the group. Then I looked at the leader, told him how much I wanted to go, how I wished he could understand.

Beyond my expectation........ he nodded. He said he did. Although he did not look at me when he answered that, his nod of understanding warmed my heart. 

When I thought no one understood, he did. 

A nod was sufficient. 

He is a friend who meant a lot to me. One who always support, one who understands and whom I can depend on. 

Thanks.

Time for myself

Every now and then, I enjoy living in my own imaginary world. Imagine loving an unreal someone whom I made up in my mind, imagine spending our own sweet time value each other's companion, even when none speaks. 

How sweet... :)

Days have been hectic. I have a long list of things to do but I opt to spare time for myself. Stare blankly, enjoy the soothing rhythm of songs... spending time with myself. Contented.

Endless work, meetings, readings, responsibility overwhelmed me. I hardly have time to be lonely. Loneliness which, on occasion, could be a bliss. 

I need time to rest, sleep, complete the mound of tutorial and readings, lie on bed reading readers digest, have meals with friends and chatting time away, go for a hair cut... or just enjoy listening to songs, cho boh (doing nothing)...

I miss having time for myself. 

Miss mummy, papa, bro and delt. Miss everyone back there at home. Miss chien, wilson, jos. Miss driving friends around. Miss spending time alone with friend sharing lives. Miss having someone to hug me, hug me tightly so that I know how much they love me.. just like how chien always do... 

An Unspoken Bible

His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian recently while attending college.

Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirts, and wild hair. The service has already started and Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat.

The church is complete packed and he can't find a seat. By now people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer to the pulpit and, when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behaviour at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!)

By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minster realizes that from way at the back of the church, an Elder is slowly making his way toward Bill. Now the Elder is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do. 

How can you expect a man of his age and his background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. 

All the eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minster can't even preach the sermon until the Elder does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worship with him so he won't be alone. 

Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read."

How much you are willing to pay for the comfort of your feet?

Hey friends, here I am to survey how much people are willing to pay for a pair of comfy shoe.

Do respond! =)

How much you are willing to pay for the comfort of your feet??

More christmas pics =)

*** Christmas @ Suntech City ***




*** Christmas @ Somerset OG ***






*** Christmas @ Fountain of Wealth ***




*** Christmas tree @ The Cathay ***




*** Christmas tree @ Central ***




*** Christmas tree @ Raffles place ***

New Year Celebration

Woohoo.. U must wonder how I celebrated new year last night huh?

I WENT TO EAST COAST PARK!!!

YAY! Hearing ECP excites me so so much! =P

Woke up at 8am in the morning to meet up with the sisters at Tiong Bahru to do the shopping for the afternoon picnic lunch. Had fun time preparing pasta, sandwiches and potato salad at Hui San's place =)

We over-estimated the appetite of the people, especially the brothers... Some of them had their lunch before that lah.. so under the circumstances of not having people volunteering themselves to finish up the food we'd prepared for the afternoon, we volunteered people by playing... Deng deng deng deng.... 終極密碼!!!!!!!! Those who got the precise number which was set before hand had no choice but to finish any food chosen by the people before the game started. Wuuuhuuuhuuu... There we go, the food was wiped clean in the glance of an eye!

Then then, we split into 2 groups to spend the rest of the time we had there.. Some went for bowling, the rest went for cycling. I opted for the latter. Hey, wait... Brenda went cycling???

Hey people, proudly announce to the world that Brenda knows how to cycle! She just picks up things that fast... tsk tsk tsk what to do... =P

Alrighty, done with the cycling and bowling, the unit went down to Clark Quay for New year countdown! Woohoo! There were so many ppl......

Nah.. this is the place where we gathered! The Coffee Bean =)



From there we watched the fireworks at this angle..
P/s: See the smoke between the buildings?? Fireworks lah!


Had whale of good time waiting for the clock to strike 12.. All of the sudden we met.... PASTOR JASMINE! LoL! She was also there with her friends counting down for New Year and she was so excited when she saw us! Woohoo...



WHEN IT WAS 12AM....

Lighted the sparklers...




Everyone shouted, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!"

After that, Qianru, Hongyao and I went back to ECP to stay overnight with the others who camped there!

Hongyao played guitar, Qianru and I sang and praised God.. Then the shepherd and sheep chatted throughout the night... Till the sun had risen...


*** The tents and the rented bicycles



*** The dusk at ECP (and the cycling crew...)



*** The dawn at ECP




Thank God for Qianru and the big NYC family!
Love u all loadssSSSSS!!!!

Brenda, have the sense of urgency in spreading the gospel!