It actually hurts when I allow myself to be vulnerable before people and share my heart, but the return is far from comfort or understanding.
It actually hurts when I learn to love, and the return is far from appreciation.
It actually hurts when I just smile like as if it is nothing big deal to me...
God, keep me strong..
我若能说万人的方言，并天使的话语，却没有爱，我就成了鸣的锣，响的钹一般。
我若有先知讲道之能，也明白各样的奥秘，各样的知识，而且有全备的信，叫我能够移山，却没有爱，我救算不得什么。
我若能将所有的周济穷人，又舍己身叫人焚烧，却没有爱，我就算不得什么。
爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；
爱是不嫉妒；
爱是不自夸，不张狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，
不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，
不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；
凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。
我必信与实行神的真理。阿们
我们在天上的父：
愿人都尊你的名为圣。
愿你的国降临；
愿你的旨意行在地上，
如同行在天上。
我们日用的饮食， 今日赐给我们。
免我们的债，如同我们免了人的债。
不叫我们遇见试探；
救我们脱离凶恶。
因为国度，权柄，荣耀，全是你的，
直到永远。阿们！
Psalm61: 1-4
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
***
Something happened in the family. Pray that God will be with me and my family.
Love you, Lord.
***
Happy birthday, Koksiong! :)
I bumped into an old friend today. We chatted about our lives over the bus ride from Pioneer MRT station to school.
She is in similar situation as I do, heading to the divergence in life. She is trying to give her best shot in this final year in university to at least secure a second lower class. I reckoned that in the process of achieving, she gave up a lot of things, even God.
My heart went out for her when I heard about her life, how she is doing now. I really want to add a little more love to her life, even just a simple act of buying her coffee.
Before we departed, I just make myself available to be her study partner when she needs one. She thanked me, and I wonder when can we meet and chat again.
***
I made a silly mistake today. I knew it was not right, but I failed to do the right thing. I repented in sorrow and fear for the Lord.
This is what I read:
Psalm 51
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgression.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgression, and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teacher transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
The sacrifice of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.
Then there will be righteous sacrifice,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
***
I realized that I am more influential, at whatever place God has placed me in - family, school, ministry. I really need to grow in my character and gain wisdom through His word as I build upon my credibility.
To God be all the glory. Amen.
Being the choleric me, it often takes God himself to remind me to slow down...
I am blessed by the leaders' retreat that I had over the last weekend. God spoke to me through the personal time I had with Him and through the leaders, and the spoken words are consistent.
It has not been an easy time for me. The more I see the "depressing" situation, as I define, the more I feel I need to do something about it. More often than not, at such times when my choleric mode is activated, I shut God out because I thought He just takes too long to respond. Then I realized, that I failed to exercise my faith.
Exo 33:12-19
Moses said to the LORD, "You have been telling me,'Lead these people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, 'I know you by name and you have found favor with me.' If you have pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people."
The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"
And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."
Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."
And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion...
When I start to wonder what God says, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
A leader spoke to me about Heb 4:8-12 from the vision she had from God for me.
Heb 4:8-12
For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
As the leaders prayed for me, I saw a vision of a heart, cut into half, laid bare under the light of the bright sun.
Heb 4:13
Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
I believe it was divine. As it is written in Psalms 51, render my heart and not my garment.
I am not saved by works, but by grace.
Psalm 51:16-17 (The message)
Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.
Lord, thanks for the reminder.
Just to share with u what I've learned from a published article. It expresses my thought on students' elective selection in our university, in a scholarly manner. Here goes..
Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has shown that the way children view a task affects their persistence and performance over time. Some children think of human ability or intelligence as fixed and, consequently, think of school tasks as performance opportunities - moments of truth that prove whether or not they're smart. For these children, performing poorly on an assignment or a test would demonstrate that they lacked intelligence rather than indicating that they had more to learn. Believing that the point of execution is to demonstrate competence, they go out of their way to pick easier tasks. Of course, this means they lose out when it comes to learning.
I try to keep myself out of flowing with the river current, making me the odd one out, or the outstanding one? :)
It has been a mad week which I scheduled to meet many many people. Physically exhausted but inwardly refreshed.
I have been evaluating the efficiency of how I run things, and think about alternatives I could adapt for improvement. Financially, physical well being, ministry, studies, relationship with people, etc.. It has been on my mind what God's will is in these areas of my life.
***
I planned to work on my PA report and FYP today, therefore I arranged to meet only one person in town area over lunch. Because I really wanted to spend more time with that friend, I agreed to went shopping with her at the east area. We did not walk for very long and she bought the things that she needed. Great. And it was already 3pm.
Then I travelled across the city to NTU so that I could get some peace and start working on my reports. It was 4pm. When I have finally settled down at one place and nearly felt satisfied, I realized I did not bring my laptop charger out with me! GREEEAATTTT! I was so frustrated that I nearly knock my head on the wall behind me..
I have no other choice but to head home to get my charger and come back to school again. Pleased. It is now 5.30pm, and I have not even start typing a word! Now when I recall what I have done for more than half a day, I spent most of my time traveling and running here and there.
I want my day back.
Tomorrow is FRIDAY!
So excited, I'm counting days to go back home :)
I have just moved out of my hostel last night to my friend's place. It was so tiring and it was not fun at all. I really hoped my house could be moved to Singapore and I could just stay at one place for the rest of my life. I miss my comfortable bed, purple bedroom, pretty house..
My colleague today managed to motivate me to do something that I have been wanting to do all along - clean my laptop.
The keypad had been topped with dusk and dirt and I knew it was not pleasant to see at all, but I had not had the motivation to really search for whatever that my friends had been recommending me to use to clean the laptop surface. When Ann Chee actually complained about my laptop being dirty, plus the way she said it which made it extra awful, I went around the shops after my lunch with friends to look for this MAGIC SPONGE.
It is really amazing. No joke. It cleaned my Macbook keypad surface as white as a new one!
I am so happy and contented to be typing on a clean keypad again!
It is a simple thing that makes life great :)
I'm back! :)
The revival of this blog is partly due to the boredom I experience at work in this last week of my internship. People are going in and out for meetings and here I am, staring at the computer from 9am-6pm. I feel so paralysed.
I try my best to spend my time meaningfully, despite the fact that the things that I do aren't at all meaningful most of the time. I played Restaurant City, chatted, did online research for my Final Year Project (FYP), drafted my Professional Attachment (PA) report and etc. Ahh.. I can't wait for Friday to come, the end of my 10-week internship!
Side note: I bet I would miss working after the internship ends.
This God whom I serve never fails to touch me with His love.
This God whom I serve never fails to grant me forgiveness when I repent of my disobedience.
This God whom I serve never fails to affirm me of His presence when I feel that I am all alone.
His name is Jesus.
My heart is filled with thanksgiving towards my God, because once again He delivered me miraculously.
How can I express enough of my gratitude for whatever God has done in my life? I am just a man, a mere mortal man, but God places me in His heart.
When I consider your heavens,
The work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
Psalm 8:3-4
A hearty Amen to what David expressed in Psalms.
He is perfect, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, and yet He lowers himself to identify with the meek human mankind.
For we do not have a great high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses,
but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin.
Heb4:15
Praise be to You, Jesus.
I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my Shield,
my Strength My Portion Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my Shield,
my Strength My Portion Deliverer
My Shelter, Strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant
Natalie Grant
Our Hope Endures
You would think only
So much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this
One has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
[Chorus:]
Sometimes the sun
Stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky
Rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures
The worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Lend your
Our hope is unchanged
How do we comprehend
Peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman
Whose body is torn
With illness
But she marches on
[Chorus]
[3x]:
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures
The worst of conditions
It's more
Than our optimism
Lend your
Lend your
Lend your
Our hope is unchanged
Spending time with God is never wasted. Guess what, today I discover the "Edward Cullen" side of God! ;)
You do not need to be very close to me to know that I'm a Twilight saga fanatic. I love everything about Edward Cullen - the hero, the gentleman, the know-it-all, the lover-forever... How I wish I could be the Bella in the story!
As I read Psalm 139 today, I realised that in fact, I already am Bella in the kingdom of God! What's more, God is more powerful than Edward! :) :) :)
In the novel, Edward cannot read the mind of Bella, and that frustrates him. If Edward really has to know what Bella is thinking, he has to read the thoughts of people around her. That's entirely different with God.
Psalm 139: 1-4
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! :)
Edward is always protective over Bella. Just as how Bella couldn't comprehend how would someone so perfect fall in love with her, such an imperfect fragile human, David expressed his awe towards the immortal God.
Psalm 139: 5-6
You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
No where is beyond the reach of our heavenly Father. Where we are, there His spirit will be, leading and guiding us.
Psalm 139: 7-8
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If you think sleeping with someone watching over you is sweet (yeaps, that's what I think!), David makes me think God is sweet!
Psalm 139:17-18
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
How finally this is my m&m verse for the week.
Psalm 139-23-24
Search me , I God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead to me in the way everlasting.
Thank You, Saviour!
I'm definitely not in the best of mood without my laptop.
I'm thankful for my family who have been supporting me, emotionally and financially.
Gonna stay strong through the trough! :)
Nothing makes me feel better than to be at my safe haven - Kuching. My home. To be very honest, I am absolutely reluctant in leaving this place, at least it is so right now. I am positive about me shedding tears when it is time to go, again.
Life has been comfortable. I have been living like it is all about me-doing-too-much-in-Sg-and-I-need-a-break! It is a break, indeed. A breakaway from everything, including seeking God. Today when I finally spend some time alone at home, read Yanyu's write up on "Consumerism and the Church", then it rings the bell, that hey, it has been days since I last sought God in prayer.
My M&M verse:
Gal 5:16
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
I seek to live by the Spirit from this moment till the day I leave Kuching (awWW..)