Many might not have known, my faith was put under test by God for the past few days. God was determined in knowing how much I really know Him.
"God knows what's best for you"
Sounds familiar? We have all said it at least once to console others.
How much are we convinced?
"God has a wonderful plan for me"
Jer 29:11. A verse we can all quote without much hesitation.
Who is maneuvering your life? Search it deep down within your heart.
"Give thanks in all circumstances"
How to give thanks when heart is overwhelmed with bitterness, mind is occupied with what-should-I-do, eyes are filled with tears?
It was the time of the year, when business students in NTU will be informed of the specialization they are going to take in the second year. Some were not worried at all, they knew exactly what they wanted to do and they were confident in getting in with their excellent results. But, I was not one of those.
I was almost certain I wanted Actuarial Science. I did not know there was a part of me which doubted if it's really what I wanted until I desperately asked myself why I wanted to be offered this specialization so badly, when I wrote the appeal letter.
It was the 16th, midnight. I anxiously renewed, over and over again, the page which I could find the result of the specialization allocation. Lawrence, my course mate, told me I could find it at the "degree audit" page, but actual result would be released tentatively at 10am. I opened the "degree audit" page at once after reading his message.
I read "Specialization: Human Resource Consulting (HRC)". My heart sank. It was not quite like what I expected. Now, what should I do?
Unbelieving, I forced myself to sleep with a feeling that the actual result would be different. It was not that actual one.
I woke up early in the morning and waited for the clock to strike 10am. Time never passed slower than then. I renewed the page but the result never changed. My heart really sank. Images of me happily telling others "I WANT TO DO ACTUARIAL SCIENCE!" came to my mind. Now this is what I get. That's it. That's it..
I felt lost. I did not know what to do. I told God, "God, You know this is not what I want, You know this is too much for me to bear. No God, this is not what I want"
I felt worse than L-O-S-T could express. I did not know what God had for me, I did not know what He had planned for me, or rather, I did not want to know but to LET HIM KNOW I want what I want!
After much effort, I found the mail which explained the appeal process. The mail which rekindled hope. With much prayer and help from seniors and friends, I wrote in an appeal letter and prayed and prayed before clicking on "SEND".
In the late evening, I received the reply. A mail which did not state explicitly a YES or NO, I read the first line and jumped to the last, hoping to see a YES.
"Arghh, why write so much? Just tell me YES or NO!"
To my disappointment, the meaning behind the entire mail was "YOU ARE HOPELESS".
God knew He had broke my heart to pieces and the pieces were trampled countless times on the ground.
Great. That's REALLY it! That's reallyyyyy it!
No one knew the excruciating pain of the heart whenever I thought about it, the rejection, my failure.
I was a straight As student in high school, I was a scholar in college.
The same me, who was rejected for not doing well enough to get in to Actuarial Science.
R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D.
I asked God how could I give thanks. I asked God what He had for me. I asked God what did Jer 29:11 mean, was He joking? I asked God what should I do with 1The 5:16-18 - Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.. Listen, God, I am not insane.
When all the bitterness flooded my heart, I remembered of one scene I saw in the movie, Narnia. The scene when the kids' last resort was to have the little girl to look for Azlan for rescue. They all knew Azlan was dead, but the little girl somehow believed that Azlan would never leave them alone in danger. With the faith was not sensible at all, she went out to look for Azlan.
Miraculously, Azlan was found alive and rescue was brought to the people at the sound of His roar.
With a childlike faith, I, too, could see God. God will send His rescue at the very last minute, at His timing.
I referred back to the verses.
Jer 29:11 - God has a plan for you, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you.
God, I claim it.
1The 5:16-18 - Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances..
God, I give thanks for I know You are still in control.
Heb 10:23 - Lets hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
YES AND AMEN!
God reminded me so so vividly that HE IS STILL IN CONTROL.
I let go of my stubbornness, I surrendered, I wanted to seek and see God.
It was really painful and heart-breaking, but God said HE IS IN CONTROL.
I remembered how Jesus prayed to God when He was so troubled before going to the cross.
Matt 26:39 - If it is possible, may this cup be taken from me..
YET NOT AS I WILL, BUT AS YOU WILL.
I surrendered and committed my future to God. I've decided to call the principal manager to plead for her reconsideration in taking me in, but I let go of the attitude of this-is-what-I-want, I told God, "Not as I will, but as You will.."
The principal manager was firm with her decision and I could understand that. She then offered me an option of taking HRC for the first sem while taking Actuarial Science elective(s) and if I'm able to do well for the elective(s) and jack up my GPA, she would arrange an interview for me with Prof Bala, Actuarial Science major head.
Boy, I think this is far better than getting in to Actuarial Science. One, I am really not sure if AcS is really what I want to do for life. Two, I really do not mind, and would like to, try out HRC!
If I could do well for the AcS elective and find that it's really what I love and by God's grace, I want to go to AcS in the second sem. If I try AcS elective and find that it's really not what I want, I could carry on with HRC.
I do not know what future brings, I just want to do God's will.
Deep down in my heart, I thanked God. Countless times.
He knows what I want for myself better than I do.
I thought....
God seems to have never ending blessing to pour out to me.
God knows me better than I do.
God is good.
I am unworthy of His love and grace.
I PRAISE GOD! :)